Checking On Myself

By BlacKween | engravedwords | 7 May 2021

Dear Diary,

The strings that play my soul when negative vibes are in control are sitting in a lonely corner. Today, peace is sitting with me. We have been engaging in these short interactions but I know it will be impactful. A smile will find my face because of this. It shall stretch the edges of my stiff lips and leave a happy curve.

The sun still rose in the East as it always does and will disappear in the West later today. It has sat high in the blue sky and reigned like the daylight king it is. The ice queen in me has her claws falling on her throbbing chest in confusion as its warmth found its way to my cold bones. It has been poisoning everything while turning this into one of those beautiful random days. The memorable kind.

Love and light have been witnessing it all. Embodied like a single sparkling star stirring the night sky with millions of us making wishes upon it. Similar to how groom comes to watch as I settle for miserable comfort and mediocre. But today it is love that is overseeing everything especially these life changing decisions that are continually being made!

The wind has been speaking to me in a hushed familiar voice. It has been reminding me that I belong to those who dare stay here. The ones who have chosen to house this soul in whatever functional relationships that are remaining. It also added that I don't have to fight everything based on my scars as some battles require reassessing one's current wounds.

Then there is this intoxicating crave for what I can't have. A desire to knock on a forbidden door asking for some loving. The urge to poke on a sleeping lioness to ask if I can feed off her cubs milk. Guess you can say one can never control the matters of the heart. How I wish I can though.

Hope says I should pursue what has been paused. Work on expediting the reignition of the ambitious bits in me and cure that debts disease. There are all sorts of artistic seeds here that could be life changing. How I hope that I can get lost in my own growth and whatever change it comes with. And with change, healing will definitely be welcomed to stay.

Time heals everything I hear. Yet the reflection of my brokenness has me wondering how such mess can ever be made whole again. But still... There is this search for timeless yarns to stitch together the scattered debris of self just like the Japanese do with their broken pots in their Kintsugi tradition. Music has been helpful in bridging me back to a place of surrender as I shift in between my spiritual realms.

I have been worried a lot. Will this heart heal itself or not? If not, will love ever call it a home again? Will this body ever have enough rest? Will this life ever extend a break to this wornout soul? Will I be forgiven for these sins that I leave unchecked and wish a different tongue repents on behalf of mine? Show me where sanity draws a line.

I fear that there is a day that I will give in to my demons and their demands but that day is not today. Tonight the moon will drag me away from the echos of these imprisoned voices in my head. It's sliver glow ought to calm my chaotic thoughts just like black tea does. It has to massage my trashed ego and help magnify my dwindling sense of being.

There is a sea of possibilities here then. A path to reclaim my experiences with trauma as the stories that run through my body and colour the blood in my viens. An opportunity to repaint the accumalated life lessons as guidelines for those following closely on my footsteps and anyone else who assumes that they deal with customised darkness alone!

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