A few days prior Valentines I was pretty grumpy, but that didn't make much sense why my shit wasn't done. Nevertheless how little was done I felt tired and exhausted.
Valentines is not something I do, other people have love, I watch through the window while they are eating it. I am that other thing that makes sense in having the doors.
I had this really strange dull headache that made me slow and almost detached from reality. I just nodded on anything and floated away randomly completely spaced out.
I vaguely remember I was doing something online but I really can't tell how much time I wasted on that, or what even a web site name was.
So I assumed that I am regardless of my nicely planned schedule either wasting time to some idle tasks or spending way too much time reading and watching videos.
The later is absolutely OK, we all should learn some new skills. But, not all I remember doing included things that are important to me.
I thought I need a monitoring tool to remove all the unnecessary clutter, free my time and my day to concentrate on my own things getting done in time.
I have the whole list of things waiting on me. It has been a month that I fell ill, and it took me two weeks to get better. I want to do things.
So, I used something smart that makes no mistake in online analyses.
I installed not one but three web activity trackers, of which one is a literal piece of a "spyware" that even notes down everything I write in my browser.
To be honest my projects are utterly unimportant to anyone else, there is nothing to spy on, my apps have multiple authentication, there is almost no money involved and little of relevance to even start with.
I don't know what is a point in me doing that, beside playing a game...
I just wanted to know what I am doing wrong so that I can improve.
I let the activity trackers do their thing for a few days and then I planned to make an analyses and posted it online, with suggestions how to improve for others to read.
Also making a browser side activity tracker sounds very cool. I put it in my next list.
After a few days I sat down to review the data accumulated by the trackers, and I had something to see.
Not only that I had no idea when I visited a good chunk of the links presented but I also had passwords to log in.
I guessed my left side of a brain was doing something my right side of a brain knew nothing about lol... or I was so shattered I didn't care.
I checked my long collection of websites and clarification sheets to find when exactly I signed up for those places. But, there was nothing.
And these browser apps monitor just my own browser activity. There is no way to fabricate any of that.
Then I romp further on into my machines, my connections, my modem etc... I freshly reinstall my system, there is nothing on it running to do something like that. Bare bones. Plugged. Wired. No WiFi.
I am deluding myself, can't you see.
There was no mistake. It seems that my browser for some reason visited some random pages and done some stuff simultaneously while I was on it but I can't remember what I was doing there.
I checked in another activity tracker, that one showed the same thing but when I opened a form tracker I found something very disturbing.
No, it was not my browser doing anything. You can guess. Unlike trackers, THAT I remembered doing.
What I found there in majority were the normal stuff I write on my pages, and comment forms, nothing extra, but in between my own things, there were the writings that didn't belong to me, were written in completely different style and looked like a correspondence.
There were a few instances where a whole bulk of text was written in that unknown form and style, and then deleted and the same thing was rewritten in my own tone and style.
I remember choosing words, they were definitely mine, I even fixed grammar in my own way - but I honestly believed those are comments on the websites, I was convinced it is something I wrote on Reddit, or Quora or even ReadCash, but there is nothing like that anywhere there.
I remember writing all that, but don't remember what those things were even about, what they mean or why I was writing that, it looked to me as I have done that in a dream.
I freaked out not because I knew what I've done. There is a crack in a matrix and it doesn't sing me my number.
I can't say the same for the person which texts I was writing. I guess a dude just continued typing words while thinking a computer is doing it on its own.
Hmm, if I could make an app to do that... I can see some cheese there.
Undoubtedly my version of the written text was so much better, so nothing I rewrote would get anyone in trouble. It could sell.
Definitely the first draft was a garbage, and a guy I spoofed unintentionally out of a sheer boredom was not a professional writer. If I could land something like that, it could hold a volume. Financially.
But ! there were the obvious signs that my usual errors were corrected additionally and the whole chunks of text were shuffled around by him. Now that's a flop. And that was a thing that disturbed me. I can't sell shit if I am corrected.
I started sweating, reading an each word and vowel, lamenting about an each less that perfect sentence - I was fussing like if I was about to be paid for that and dreaded a horrible thing I've done like that was one of my clients.
I ripped out all cables from my laptop, took away my coffee and went to watch movies with my family instead.
I was furious! And I will need a bucket of glue to fix that crack. And the only thing I could think about was how irrelevancy became my new fashion. Why I am doing that?
Tomorrow, I said, I will wipe my laptop clean, I will forget all about this, I will do some better shit, I will quit being a monumental asshole - a full new me. New version. An upgrade. I hate this horrible thing I've become and reality around me made into an everybody's prison... But! BUT BUT BUT !! - it can be fixed, no biggy!
I forgot how awfully late I am.
But, instead, I was nodding and congratulating myself like a complete moron, how great I am for this awesome thought, when suddenly a half of my visual field just cracked, tilted, fell off and remained frozen.
Aw, I am so late.
I am sure than any one of you reading this had a moment when you done some stupid shit and you just wanted to put it in reverse and make it all go away.
And then you realized than not even a Sumerian god can help you. Aw no, no he can't. Really, it can't be done, time doesn't exist, it is not something you can travel back to. Once done, deity or not, that crap is permanent.
And you know what is the scary part? It's not the shit that is happening to you because it is your fault so you don't give a fuck, I mean, with your level of smart it was destined to happen, but the things you have to watch being done to other person because of you.
And you just watch that petty bastard, hearing your own voice, your thoughts just draining out like a cesspool with that strange tremolo - aw man, you so out of luck.
And then you have to lie, because there is no way to explain, say or admit - what to admit? - you have to invent the whole Universe of bullshit and imaginary things to make an existence of yourself, not what you done - we are reverting the disaster train now - plausible, an alternative history full of errors, then they have to reason enough because HELLOOOO, and causalities that make no fucking sense to anybody - nobody needs that shit!! - just to make that other person believe into something.
THERE IS A GOD!
That will do!
Why it wouldn't, after all, it is me, come on you know me, I am all honest Abe, fuck you, your loss if you don't, let's put some coal on it!
Let's make some option to chose.
Let's make some miracles!
Let me show you what a horrible piece of art I am...
I am golden!
Now let's make a villain!
Let's make him an alien, that is rich.
It's all his fault!
No, fair and square! He really exists!
He really does.
But, li-la, maybe not really now...
Aw, he is really something!
Now some shit happens. L
Let's be all self-explanatory, completely reasonable.
Let's make more of the shit, let me die, because why not, I will rise tomorrow, who cares, if it is a ball let's make it on water.
And it became so important to you, IT BECAME SO IMPORTANT TO ME, I am obsessed. The multitudes of Me doing all kind of fuckery, and I wonder what a hell just happened....
And I sat asking myself, really asking, what a hell just happened and my family immediately noticed that something is wrong. I couldn't tell them anything but that half of my visual field is not moving, it just fell off.
It could be an eye defect caused by prolonged exposure to the laptop screen, or a mini stroke, but taken everything in consideration I don't think an explanation is that simple.
I don't look like I had a mini stroke, I looked like I had a major attack of stupidity. Jesus, what a hell am I doing? Have you seen the movies... What a fuck is wrong with me...
I am not even getting ill. I am getting better. I am improving myself. Price is pretty high, but you know what - would anybody else cry for me, for realz? I don't think so.
Maybe I am just panicking in frenzy because the other day my kid said now it's gonna be all three of us, so maybe I am just angry.
I can't even call it an anger, it is just a fading feeling and a realization that I can't really take anything and anyone, I can't take you with me.
I sent so many people to burn in hell, no wonder I became what I am....
My balanced was impaired for a few seconds and the sounds distorted making me feel like I am listening under the water.
The movie that we were watching was still on, but this deafening silence swallowed the whole soundstage around me, I lost contact to myself.
I looked at the screen and then an imagery in it somehow ... altered. It looked like a video taken by somebody holding it while walking.
My own nefarious shit is pouring out of the cracks in the matrix like a tar and grassing on me. It's silence that is killing me. It's a light.
My folks stared at that for a few seconds not knowing what they are looking at, what to say and then they asked me to rewind. I did, it was not there, so I shut it.
I didn't just shut a movie. I shut everything. I wanted everything to pause until I make reason to this.
I barely dragged into the bathroom, nothing was visibly wrong with my eyes but I looked as a carcass. I felt being pulled in two different direction, one foot in, one foot somewhere outside.
I don't belong here, this place makes me miserable, makes me do things.
I have no idea why I don't want to leave, or how to leave. There is no exit, and all other places are multitude of times worse.
I just need to forget. If I forget, it doesn't matter.
Does it? Because the stuff I said and saw are one the same moment crammed into a one burning ball of chaos. Should I just do that again so I can surprise myself and be shocked when I re-find all of it all over again...
This is a clear sign that I need to fuck off and step away from the freaking keyboard, but I don't think that will really make any difference to anyone.
I really can't escape myself, nobody can, and there is nowhere to hide.
Maybe a God created a world just to have an ice cream, sit on a bench and watch a sunset... It maybe has nothing to do with you.